keepmywhiskeyneat:

TRUE STORY
One morning, I was awakened by a knock at the door. I rolled out of bed, threw a blanket over my shoulder because it was cold, and made my way to the front of the house. I opened the door and a very nice Mormon lady handed me a pamphlet and launched in to a well-rehearsed spiel about accepting jesus in to my life when she stopped mid sentence and gave me a peculiar look. I used this pause in her speech to politely decline her offer and wish her a pleasant morning. It wasn’t until I looked at what she handed me that I understood why I stopped her in her tracks and then proceeded to laugh for the next half hour by myself.

keepmywhiskeyneat:

TRUE STORY

One morning, I was awakened by a knock at the door. I rolled out of bed, threw a blanket over my shoulder because it was cold, and made my way to the front of the house. I opened the door and a very nice Mormon lady handed me a pamphlet and launched in to a well-rehearsed spiel about accepting jesus in to my life when she stopped mid sentence and gave me a peculiar look. I used this pause in her speech to politely decline her offer and wish her a pleasant morning. It wasn’t until I looked at what she handed me that I understood why I stopped her in her tracks and then proceeded to laugh for the next half hour by myself.


what’s your favorite thing to do to stay active?

#lol 

magnacarterholygrail:

so-treu:

LIKE SHE’S NOT EVEN BEING SUBTLE ABOUT THE SHIT

religion: nicki minaj destroying and being disgusted at phallic symbols


spankmehardbarry:

when u finally convince ur friends to do something that u want to do

image

#me  #lol 

boygeorgemichaelbluth:

thatfunnyblog:

You know what’s creepy about Humpty Dumpty?

They never said he was an egg.

image

shit getting real


kuogayku:

intentionallyhomosexual:

totallynotmisha:

 

hawk-and-handsaw:

It’s 2089. all cops have been replaced by genetically modified dogs that let children pet them, help old ladies cross the street, chase down criminals, never eat donuts, bark at cat-callers, analyze dna, easily track down murders, pee on white collar criminals, and tear the faces off of rapists. utopia has been reached. 

How was this accomplished you ask?
Well its simple
Dogs are colorblind

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macabrekawaii:

itscalledfashionlookitup:

When people compare the greatness that is The Simpsons to other animated shows like Family Guy it makes me want to set myself on fire

I went on a date last year and jokingly said “Don’t ask me I’m just a girl” and giggled at a 35 year old man thinking he’d get the reference and instead he said “that’s what I like to hear.”


I’M OLDER THAN HIM?! 


twlboaj:

on a scale from Matilda to Carrie how well do you handle having telekinesis and terrible parents


nova-r:

i need a new bra, looks like it’s time to take out a fucking loan